Handling Conflict
We've definitely seen conflict play out on the world stage in the news recently. We've seen the brutality of hand to hand combat and devastation from 30,000 feet. And as technology increases, so does the power that nations wield in those conflicts. And people on many different places on the political spectrum have been divided on the use of that power. I'm thankful that it appears there is a middle east cease fire - but even if things 'cool down' in that region, that doesn't mean an end to all ongoing conflict.
I pray that God will use these events to bless Israel and to turn their hearts to Him. I pray that even in the chaos and destruction people from all nations will seek God's face. But even though I have opinions - I didn't have a hand in the very weighty decisions on how to best handle this international conflict. No one consulted me, because I'm not responsible for those kinds of decisions thousands of miles away.
What I am responsible for is how I handle conflict in my life. And sometimes those personal conflicts can be almost as complicated. In this life, we will encounter conflict. Some may choose to try to avoid all such unpleasantness, while others seem to leap headlong into conflict any chance they get. We all understand that conflict will happen – but it's how we deal with that conflict as Christians that matters. The first kind of conflict I want us to look at today is…
I. Conflict with believers
But of course, we know that there's never any conflict between 'us' as brothers and sisters in Christ, right? We always get along and always agree with each other 100% of the time...
Sad to say, but I've actually seen many outside of the Church who may deal with conflict better than some of us. A lot of people of the world will at least acknowledge that conflict is there. Some Christians just pretend it isn't there and then only deal with it when it boils over and it's too late to do anything constructive about it.
There will be times when there is conflict between those in the Church, and we're to acknowledge it and then deal with it. Let's first look at Jesus' words from Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV)...
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, (24) leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Jesus was more concerned with fellow believers being united, getting along, dealing with their conflict even more than He was with giving an offering to God. Acknowledging a problem or conflict is not a sin – but ignoring it certainly can lead to sin.
When there's conflict between believers, we are commanded to deal with it, and to…
A. Deal with it Biblically
There are a number of ways to deal with disagreements, but not every way is beneficial. We're to deal with conflict as followers of Jesus; in the way that the Bible spells out. Let's look again at what Jesus specifically had to say in Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV)...
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (16) But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' (17) If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Notice that the goal of dealing with the conflict is reconciliation; it's about restoring a broken relationship. "If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." If I get angry with you about a conflict and punch you in the face – that's one way of dealing with conflict, but chances are I won't win you over and that relationship won't soon be restored. Our goal is reconciliation – unity.
We need to note that this section is dealing with a situation where sin is involved, not just a disagreement of opinion. We don't treat someone as a 'pagan or a tax collector' just because we disagree on what color a Sunday School classroom should be painted or what songs we should sing. And, you probably also noticed something about this passage – there are several steps to follow in this process. We are to deal with conflict for the purpose of reconciliation and we are to do it Biblically, which means…
B. In the proper order
Notice the first step – dealing with it just between the two of you. That's not always the way we do things. Rather than following that first Biblical step - I've seen Christians publicly call out a brother or sister in a very aggressive manner. Rather than following that first Biblical step - I've seen several Christians 'gang up' on another believer to make their point heard. Rather than following that first Biblical step – I've seen Christians send anonymous letters and complaints under the guise of 'constructive criticism'.
Rather than going to a person in private - I've seen Christians gossip and complain about another believer with passive aggressive comments and rumors. I guess they believe that's somehow better than actually dealing with the conflict face to face…? It's not – it's sin. I've seen good people leave the Church because a fellow believer decided that their way of handling conflict was better than Jesus' way.
I believe that this was the kind of situation with which Paul was dealing when he wrote this in 2 Corinthians 12:20-21 (NIV)...
For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder. (21) I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged.
"Quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder" – and that's talking about Christians; that's in the Church. Those things break relationships and, if left unchecked, can kill a Church. Dealing with conflict in the wrong way totally derails our mission of spreading the Good News of Jesus Christ.
You can hear Paul's frustration and hurt when he writes regarding sin and fighting in the Church in Corinth…
1 Corinthians 6:4-8 (NIV)
Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! (5) I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? (6) But instead, one brother goes to law against another - and this in front of unbelievers! (7) The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already.
Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? (8) Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.
Someone does something wrong to us; it's not fair – it's not right. We want justice – we want them to apologize and make things right.
- That's not always going to happen. There will be times when we just have to deal with the hurt and the injustice and move on for the sake of unity. Now of course I'm not talking here about a situation where one believer is involved in immorality and refuses to repent. But that's not usually the reason that Christians fight – usually the reasons are much smaller, and honestly much less important. I'm not saying those things aren't important at all - but are they as important as unity in the Body of Christ?
Paul suggests that sometimes it's better to allow yourself to be wronged, even to be cheated by a fellow brother or sister in Christ for the sake of the mission, the purpose of the Church. That's hard counsel to follow, isn't it?
When it comes to conflict in the Church – we do need to deal with it, in the Spirit of love, face to face. Sometimes it will be resolved in reconciliation – great! Sometimes it has to be resolved with correction from Church leadership. Sometimes, it will end with us feeling wronged or cheated. That's not what we want to hear, but what's more important – my pride or my calling to unity in the Body; the Church?
So, let's say I eventually get to the point spiritually where I can actually allow a fellow brother in Christ to harm me without retaliation, or holding a grudge, or me throwing a fit – but, what about…
II. Conflict with enemies
It's one thing to sacrifice for 'family', but what about for those who are actually out to get me? I will have conflict with those in the Church, but I don't believe they have any evil intentions. We might disagree - but they probably aren't trying to cause me harm. But what about those who do? Surely I don't have to put up with the same treatment from them, right?
Luke 6:27-36 (NIV)
But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, (28) bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (29) If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. (30) Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. (31) Do to others as you would have them do to you. (32) If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?
Even 'sinners' love those who love them. (33) And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. (34) And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. (35) But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.
(36) Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Wow. Jesus really said those things. And I've mentioned this before, there's a temptation to suggest that He really didn't mean that; He must have been speaking figuratively. But I think Jesus was pretty clear. I'm also guessing that if you're anything like me – we're not always quite there yet spiritually. I mean, let's face it – we're supposed to willingly let people take advantage of us?
A. That's not fair
"If someone takes my jacket – I should give him my shirt, too? If someone strikes me on one cheek I should offer him the other one as well? That's not fair!" - The idea of showing love to one's enemy is even commanded in the Old Testament as well…
Exodus 23:4-5 (NIV)
If you come across your enemy's ox or donkey wandering off, be sure to take it back to him. (5) If you see the donkey of someone who hates you fallen down under its load, do not leave it there; be sure you help him with it.
God's people have always been called to a higher standard. God's people are called to be different from the world. Is it fair? No. It's not about fair – it's about what's right; what is righteous. And Jesus didn't call us to anything more than how He lived.
Jesus gave up His Divine rights and allowed Himself to be mocked, beaten and crucified. An innocent man killed on a cross – that's not fair. But He allowed it for a higher purpose – to pay for the sins of the world, to reconcile all of mankind to God – to provide a way for you and for me to get to Heaven. God's people are called to give up their will and submit to His will for a higher purpose than just fairness. We are called to help redeem the lost so that they can spend eternity with their Creator as well.
That's a huge selfless task. Some days, I may feel up for that task. I manage the strength to submit and allow myself to be 'taken advantage of' for a higher purpose. Other days I pout about life not being fair and make all sorts of excuses why I don't want to turn the other cheek; why I'm somehow justified in my own selfish way. But just because I may not always be as spiritual as I should be, yet - it doesn't make my lack of submission to Jesus' commands right. I need to continue to grow.
Now in my more spiritual moments when I'm faced with the challenge of loving my enemies and actually act out of love – it's only because of the power of God's Spirit in me! It's only because of the assurance that this life…
B. Is not all there is
This life is a 'pit stop', a mere breath compared to eternity. If I can remember that I only have to put up with a bit of injustice for this life - and that if I do manage to show love to my enemies – I will be called a son of the Most High God and my reward will be great in eternity! God is merciful with 'bad people'. God is merciful with me.
This life is not all there is. Jesus' words from…
Revelation 22:12-14
Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. (13) I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. (14) Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city.
Which leads us to…
So What?
Why did you make it a priority to be here today? I'm pretty sure we all could find something else to do on any given Sunday morning – but you are here.
I'm guessing it's because you know it's what God wants you to do. You submitted your will to His, gave up any other plans you could have made - and you are here. For many of us, we've made that same choice over and over in our lifetime and it's now a given; of course we'll be here on Sunday. We gather together with fellow believers to worship God and learn more about His Word – we are here because we are His Church!
Learning to 'love your enemy' works in the same way. We choose one time to give up our will, our rights. We may do it begrudgingly – but we do it. And then we do it again. After a lifetime of forcing yourself to do this – it will eventually become a given; of course you'll turn the other cheek – it's what we do; we are God's children.
No, it's not easy. But it is God's plan to love the world back into fellowship with Him. It's God's plan, and God's plans are always the best plans in the end. You can choose to avoid conflict. You can choose to argue with someone over something petty or over a political opinion – or – you can choose to follow Jesus and turn the other cheek. Let's learn, together, how to live out that command.